Identity Crisis

I just renamed this post. I feel it really describes why I'm "freaking out". I don't recongnize myself.
So before I post this I have to apologize for this picture. It's not easy taking a picture of yourself with a honkin' camera but I wanted to document this color on my head.
I also have to let you know that I pride myself on having unique hair cuts and colors. My stylist is very creative and she and I enjoy changing things up a bit when I come in. I've been trying to grow my hair out. I'd like one more chance at having long hair before I completely give myself up to short hair for the rest of my life. Everyone knows, growing out your hair is a pain. So to make the process a little more enjoyable, I go in and have my hair colored and reshaped into different styles. So....yesterday I go in and Carolina (my hair girl)and I talk about doing something bery...(yes, bery...she's from Mexico) different. What are my goals? What direction should I be going with my hair...and so on. The way she was talking, I was under the impression that I'd be platinum...which is alright with me. I'm thinkin', really blonde would be fun for spring. So...she turns my chair around so I can't see the mirror, and I fall asleep. I always fall asleep when she does my hair. When I wake up and they wash me and return me to my chair, I almost pass out when I see myself. I'm in total shock. I'm a brunette. The darkest I've ever been. She just kept saying over and over..this is bery different, bery different. All the ladies are walking by making a fuss over me...probably because they can see the look of panic on my face. I've been going to this place for over a year now...they know I'm BLONDE! In fact, she let me know that I will have to come back in 5 weeks to touch up my BLONDE roots!!! My hair is darker then my eyebrows for heaven sake!! Now I know this is no big deal to all you brunettes out there but I'm telling you I feel downright GOTH! Seriously, this picture does no justice to the overall appearance of my hair, because she put blonde streaks in the front around the face. C'mon! The lady put BLONDE streaks in my already, should be, BLONDE hair! What the...
So, normally, I'm pretty low-keyed about my hair. If you don't like it, grow it out, is my motto. Seriously, when you've had friends and family lose their hair to chemo a little haircut or color is nothing. It's all about perspective, ya know. I'm ticked at myself for not saying anything. This lady is IMPOSSIBLE to get into. You have to book your appointment weeks in advance. The kicker is...and I hope I'm not sharing too big a secret...Boyd's best friend is having a surprise 40th birthday party tonight. Okay...people that I haven't seen in 20 years will be here. There are 250 guests coming. Business partners, old college friends, family....they aren't even going to recognize me. I know the night is not about me, but come on...seriously. When was the last time you went to a reunion (which is what this technically is) wanting to look different then you did the last time everyone saw you. I thought the idea should be...wow..you haven't changed a bit...blah, blah, blah. Now, I know that is ridiculous and completely impossible, but it for sure is now! Every time my kids look at me funny, I want to cry. I guess normally I wouldn't care but I don't even recognize myself, I can't even imagine others will either. It's changed my skin tone and everything..even my eyes seems more grey. My makeup looks bizarre on me. Maybe I'll have to do some retail therapy.
So...here it is...now that I've made a stinkin' big deal about it, I'm sure you're all wondering what's wrong. I know you're all thinking, "wah...poor baby, freaking out about something so trivial as your hair." Yeah, well, I surprise myself because believe me, I'm not about crying over hair. I'll try to get some pictures at the party tonight so you can see it. Joy..pictures of myself...yuck.
Anyway, the brown is supposed to be semi-permanent and will gradually lighten. You better believe I'll be washing my hair double time for awhile. I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth growing my hair out. I can't stand it when people obsess about their hair. At least when it was short it was easy to do and stayed looking the same way all day and I didn't care. Now it's work and I find myself hating it all day. We'll see if I can hold out a couple more months. What I need is a little Mexican sunshine to lighten it back up. I'll be there soon enough.

Livin' in Missouri

Now I'm not saying these don't apply to livin' in Missouri, but I have my own list which would include...if you're watching local news and everyone being interviewed has no teeth...then you live in Missouri. If you have to finish everyone sentences for them because they talk so slow...then you live in Missouri. If you've had to repair any of your tires in the last year because of the grand canyon sized potholes (that appear out of no where), you live in Missouri. If you hear tornado sirens the first wednesday of every month, you live in Missouri. If you strain your eyes looking far for mountains on the horizon and can't see them, you live in Missouri. If you have more then one Bass Pro shop in your town, you live in Missouri. If your town's claim to fame of celebrities is Jesse James, you live in Missouri. If you haven't had decent mexican food in years but the most amazing steaks in your life, then you live in Missouri. If you see an entire trailer court filled with brand new Ford trucks parked in front of every trailer, you live in Missouri. If you see everyone wearing red hoodies to work every friday each fall, you live in Missouri. If you have to have your house sprayed religiously for bugs every few months, you live in Missouri. If you see businesses run in caves, you live in Missouri. If you've eaten "Rotel" (with the velveeta and hamburger) and know how to make it, you live in Missouri. If you lose your trampoline to wind because you didn't anchor it down, you live in Missouri. If you have to dodge large dog sized deer on your way home from work every night, then you live in Missouri. If you've seen dozens of dead possums all over the road in the fall,(maybe someone could explain why I only see these in the fall) you live in Missouri. If everyone around you grew up in the same place, all married their high school sweethearts, never left town and are all related or know each other, you live in Missouri. If you've ever eaten at "In a Tub" and go back for more, you live in Missouri. If some schools in your area were still "segregated" until the 1970's, then you live in Missouri. If you or anyone you know attends an opera or play in jeans and cowboy boots, you live in Missouri. If your school gets cancelled because of an inch of snow, you live in Missouri. If you see a BBQ establishment everywhere you go, you live in Missouri.
I could go on and on with my list. Here's the list that was forwarded to me last night...

The internet list:
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Missouri

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Missouri

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Missouri

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Missouri

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of KANSAS CITY for the weekend, you live in Missouri

If you measure distance in acres of farm land, you live in Missouri

If you know several people who have hit a cow more than once, you live in Missouri.

If you have gone from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again you live in Missouri.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Missouri.

If you install security lights on your house and garage,but leave both unlocked, you live in Missouri.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Missouri.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Missouri.

If the I-29 speed limit is 75 mph -- you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you live in Missouri. (This phenonmenon happens only on I29 in my experience)

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Missouri.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Missouri.

If you have more hours on your snow blower than miles on your car, you live in Missouri.

If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in Missouri.

Laurel Project

I am banished to the basement once again for a church meeting held in my kitchen. I really have a terrible attitude about this as if you can't tell. At least I can update my blog right??
We found out a couple of weeks ago that Chloe was one 10 hour project short of earning her Young Womanhood Recognition. The Stake Young Women's presidency is putting on a banquet in March to acknowledge all the girls who have earned this award during the last year. Chloe would be the only one from our ward to earn it. Tina Litster had begun sewing 38 school bags to donate to the LDS Humanitarian services. She thought it would take about 10 hours to finish them and then they could be filled and sent on to Utah. It worked out being the perfect Laurel project. We got the bags last friday. Chloe began sewing saturday morning and sewed 6 hours straight. She sewed another 2 on sunday and the rest after school on monday. I went and bought most of the necessary items to include in the bag and for FHE last night we assembled them. It was a really satisfying project. The best part was all the time Chloe and I spent together as she sewed. There is a lot to talk about when it's just you and a sewing machine. I think we'll definately do another project like this as a family. There are so many to choose from. If you are interested go to: www.providentliving.org and follow the links for humaniarian service.
Most of the supplies (I need 80 more pads of paper)

FHE assembly line

The "mostly" finished bags...

Not rain..nor sleet...nor snow...

kept us from having the swim banquet tonight.
It really is a night to honor the seniors and talk about the individual achievements of each of the girls. Chloe had a really hard season this year with her shoulder and needing therapy. But she hung in there and even improved her times quite a bit, coming within half a second on the 50 free from qualifying. I expect she will swim state for sure next year in the 50 and 100. There will only be 3 seniors on the Oak Park team next year. Hunter showed a lot of improvement over the season and hopefully she'll choose to swim full time next year rather then split her time with cheerleading. She'll be on the Staley swim team next year.
The girls did really well under Coach Bob's direction. He will also be coaching both teams next year. It isn't a conflict of interest since the teams will never be competing against each other as they will be in different divisions. Coach Bob also happens to be Bridger's PE teacher in middle school. He's pretty partial to her and so he's really involved in all the girls' lives.
I'm really tired so I'm glad the season is over. Swimming is such a great sport. It is a lifetime skill that challenges you both individually and as a team. But after a few months of it..I'm done. It's time to take a break and then get ready for summer swim.
I know...boring to everyone else but as I'm journaling my life, and this has been a big part of our lives for almost 8 years now, I have to make mention of the last day of swim season!
The decorations and food turned out great and now it's on to Stake Enrichment on Saturday. Let's hope for no school again tomorrow so I can sleep in!




The girls with Coach Bob Barth

Chloe and her best friend Taylor

Must be a record...

No school again today. We got the call during seminary. Since we've moved here, this year has the record for the most school closure days. Can't compete with 10 degrees and an ice storm I guess. The big tv is in the shop so the girls are watching movies on the computers. My hair appointment better not be cancelled, I've waited for that for 8 weeks!
Meanwhile, I'm using this time to back up my photos from my computer online. My cd burner is crashed and my computer is showing symptoms of crashing as well. We made it two years with no problems...I guess it was bound to happen!
I hope everyone has a great ice day!

Super Shower

Last night was Noah's baby shower. Originally 80+ people were invited. By yesterday afternoon I knew of about 15 ladies that couldn't come due to illness or schedule conflicts but I really wasn't sure how many would come. I think there were about 30 women total who ended up coming. It was such a great night. I have been looking forward to having a "girl" baby shower for quite awhile now and wasn't sure I would be very excited about a shower for a boy. But, I have to say it was so much fun getting ready for it. I ended up using orange, green and brown as my base colors and it all fell into place. Kiera got tons of darling baby clothes and diapers. Melissa McAtee brought an awesome diaper cake and hosted a really fun game that I'd never played before. She also brought a badge that she presented to the "7th person" who's present was opened. She explained "an old wives tale" that the person who gave the 7th present was the next to have a baby. When Tiffany Grady's present was opened by Kiera, Melissa gave her the badge and told her she would be next to have a baby. Imagine everyone's surprise when she announced that she was pregnant already! It was such a perfect moment. Noah was so cute and everyone tried to have a chance to love on him.
The only downside to the whole night was my icy driveway. I don't know how many people fell last night on their way back to their cars, but I know it was more then one!
Bags of green chocolate covered carmel corn for everyone to take home

Baby Cakes chocolate with peanut butter frosting and carrot cake with cream cheese frosting cupcakes

Decorations...


Baby Shower album with guest list and gift list / a gift from my sister Melanie and I.


Kiera opening presents


Tiffany announces she's pregnant

I hope it was as fun for everyone else as it was for me. I'm so glad that we were able to welcome Noah! Thanks to everyone who came and helped out. Sorry about the icy driveway...sigh...Missouri.
On to the next event...the swim banquet on thursday night. We just keep moving from one thing to the next around here and just keep putting out fires as they come!

They're back!

I was at the Ritterbusch's house when they got home with their new baby on friday night! I was so excited to see him and I was worried that in 2 weeks he would have gained a bunch of weight and not look like a new born anymore. But, I was so glad to see that he's still soooo tiny. He is the cutest little thing. I snapped this picture of him with Jordan with my phone. I probably shouldn't have been there and just let their family have some time with him. They hadn't seen their parents in two weeks and needed a chance to be with their new brother!
Can't wait for the baby shower on tuesday! I'll hold him then!

I must have been ooohing and aaahing so much over him that on the way home Boyd lets me know that he's never been opposed to having more babies and that we could have had more but now it's just ridiculous since Bridger will be 12 in a couple of months. And that it's all my fault if I wanted a baby and didn't have one. Seriously. Wow. Guess he forgets so many things that have happened in the last 10-17 years.
Of course, it's a decision that I wrestle with. It feels like I'm the only one who wrestles with this decision in our marriage...because I'm the one who bears and raises the child. Do you stop or keep going? Are there more babies for us? Am I a Mormon loser because I have only 3 kids? Can I emotionally and physically handle another one? Can I bear being emotionally alone raising babies again? Do I risk spending two years laying on a couch again wanting to die from depression? Do I run the risk of spending my pregnancy in bed since what's left of my cervix may not hold a baby in? Do I give my older kids the joy of loving and helping take care of a baby? Do I take my baby with me to drop my daughter off at BYU next year? Let's be honest...will my body go back to normal after a baby at 40? As discouraged as I already am with my appearance can I stand myself 30-40 lbs heavier? Never mind the fact that I spent my pregancy with Chloe in bed, there goes seminary and getting up in the morning. Do I go to all my doctor appointments and see ultrasounds and find out the sex of my baby by myself? Do I labor in the hospital and produce this amazing miracle only to feel that I was a wimp through the pain or that me being gone for a few days in the hospital is a burden? Do I spend the next 12 months nursing a baby, never to get a break or help because I nurse and "I can't help you" is all I hear when I need to run an errand? Do I miss out on the possibility of having a boy? A missionary? A scout?...only to get another girl and have disappointment rule? Do I secretly wish for a girl anyway because I can't bear the thought of having a boy? Do I say "never" to having a baby only to end up "accidently" pregnant when I'm 45 and my baby is a senior in high school and being treated like I'm an idiot for getting pregnant then? I am so far from the baby world. I have nothing. It would be like starting over for me. I don't even remember half the stuff that has to be done. Do you see all the pain, guilt, confusion, and anxiety of having more children brings me? Never mind that I have teenagers now and getting through these years at times seems hopeless. Do you think I haven't thought of these things for 12 years? Lucky for me a doctor took several of those years of decision away for me. Just the thought of going through these things makes me want to cry. You may think that most of the things I've listed are negative and there are far more positive things that outweigh them. When and if the Lord grants me the assurance that I will feel peace and know that the positives will outweigh the negatives then I will know I'm supposed to have a baby. When I feel like it's not all "my decision" and that Boyd, and I AND the Lord are all united on this, then I will know.
Church has been cancelled today due to the weather. Unfortunately, you will all have to pay for that as you read my journal today. I pretty much have laid it all out there. I have really thought and prayed about this a lot lately...there is so much GUILT. In the mean time, I really feel like I can enjoy Noah and love on him and have the benefits of being around a baby without all the responsibilty. It is a great gift to me right now. It's not that I don't want that in my home. I know that a baby would bring a sweet spirit in our home. But I also know that it also brings a lot of responsibilty and right now I'm a little overwhelmed with responsibility. There's too much guilt to do everything and be everything to add more into the mixture.
If anyone has the answer for me...let me know. In the mean time, I'll keep my sanity, thank you very much!

Baby Noah

Now I wish they would hurry and get home!!

Noah's baby shower

I was hoping for a picture before I posted this! Kiera and Marc finally have adopted a baby boy. They are in Houston, TX at this moment with him and are waiting for the legal papers to be filed that allow them to bring him home. His name is Noah Thomas Ritterbusch and he was born at 6lbs 7oz and 18 inches long.
I'm having a baby shower for her on tuesday, February 19th at 7:00 at my house.
They'be been working so hard for a long time to adopt and orginally were hoping for a girl. A few weeks ago they began to be more open to the possibilty of getting a boy and things began to fall into place rapidly. They were meant to have this boy!! They've been preparing for a girl and were not expecting a boy, so needless to say they have a lot of pink stuff! We are so excited for them and can't wait for them to get home!!
I will be getting invites out this weekend but in case someone doesn't get one....everyone is invited!!
Oh yeah..and according to my kids the spoons under the pillows really work. We had no school yesterday!

Keep your fingers crossed...

Make sure to sleep with your pjs inside out and a spoon under your pillow so school will be cancelled tomorrow! I'm always up for a free day to sleep in!
Bring on the snow storm!

Ann Romney

So...I went to hear Ann Romney speak today. She's a very smart and talented lady. It's interesting to me that she suffered from MS as well. She is very complimentary of her husband and spent a lot of time telling good stories about him. I've got my sign in the yard and tomorrow is vote day!! Everyone go out wherever you are and make sure you vote for the candidate you choose. You can't complain about not having someone to vote for later if you don't choose now. I took a few photos while I was there and videoed her speech. Some members of our ward run Mitt's campaign in the Kansas City area so these photos are of them with Ann.

The end is in sight...

This weekend was conference swim meets. It started thursday night and ended saturday night. My bum is so tired from sitting. By the time 5:00 pm came around last night I thought I was going to lose it. As soon as Chloe was done with her last event, I was out of there. I didn't stick around to watch the rest of the team even. I'm the historian (big surprise) for the team so I took a ton of pictures. It is sooooo hard to take photos at a swim meet. You are not allowed to use flash while swimmers are on the starting blocks. The start buzzer is accompanied with a strobe flash so our flash confuses the swimmer. Also, the lighting is terrible in there so it's hard to get good motion pictures. Usually it's so crowded you can't get very close to the pool either. As I post these pictures, it's snowthundering outside. Half of the time during these meets it was snowing outside and freezing cold. It's just strange.
State prelims and finals are in two weeks, the same weekend as State Wrestling and State Choir competition. So, Chloe is trying to choose which to go to. She probably won't finish in the top 16 for swimming so it's between choir and wrestling. We'll see...
Anyway, I have only a couple weeks left and then we're on to soccer....



Looks like she's trying to drink the pool...