Wasted Life

Crap. I've wasted my life then. Seriously. I feel that way sometimes. It started out as something I loved to do....clean my own home. Then it turned into something I was responsible for...since I'm a stay at home Mom...it was my job. When I got to the point that I felt I had no self worth unless the house was vacuumed every day, I knew I had a problem. And when I realized that no one..but me....cared...my world came crashing down around me. The obsession came to a screeching halt. Please tell me I haven't wasted my life.

I tried distracting myself with hobbies. First it was crafting. I've done them all. I even took up knitting, and I've got the big honkin' basket of yarn and started projects to prove it.If you've ever been in my home, then you'll know I have an entire office...devoted to my hobbies. But as with anything. Once I realized that all I was doing was burning out on hobbies, I discovered I didn't like them so much anymore. What a waste...although looking back on those times...they did bring me much joy.

Then there were the years of exercising. Couldn't miss a day of that...heaven forbid! I did it because I'd always done it. Then I did it to keep off baby weight. And then there were years I did it because I felt better about myself. And then there were also times I did it so I could socialize. There's also the years you do it because you're getting old and you think you might be able to reverse time. I'm telling you, that's a false notion. Then it got to the point where I spent more time trying to talk myself into exercising then I was actually doing it. I can't justify in my mind...the 1-2 hours a day I need for this. Not to mention...I have a hard enough time with my own self acceptance. I can't be around others who look great who obsess about it too. It's too hurtful.So, there are a few things I enjoying wasting my life on now. I crave a good book. I yearn for travel...and daydream pretty much all the time about it. I like eating out with friends. And I love shopping. Pretty much any kind of shopping will do. But, you know...that gets old too....money runs out eventually. But since it's my duty...I stick with it...you know, we all have our duties....pay taxes, work for the man, shop to boost the economy....And I strive to do my best. And actually, my husband doesn't complain if I shop. See, I'm not a personal shopper. I generally don't buy for myself much. I probably have less shoes in my closet than anyone I know but I my house stays accessorized and gadgetized. Not to mention...my husband probably shops more than me anyway! Ah, well...more wasted life.

I'm currently wasting my life with something else...blogging. Even so.....I find at least I'm journaling. I've printed 4 books now from my blog. I leave them on a coffee table in our hearth room and almost everyday I see someone reading from them. Makes me smile.

I think the biggest wasteful thing I've done recently...is the rehash of life. Turning 40 is brutal. You get there and you wonder what you've done with your life. Who are you? Am I a waste? Seriously....the struggle I have is not comparing myself. It's all an illusion.

Don't we really spend a lot of time creating our own mountains? I know I do. My perceptions can be wiggity whacked sometimes.

So what is the point of this wasteful post? I don't know and I don't care...it's spring break and I'm outta here. Just in time.

Uh...sorry, I just had to add....

If you stuck with me on the post this far...you totally deserved this video. :)