Last night was New Beginnings, an event to help all the Young Women (girls 12-18) of our ward (the unit we worship with) understand the importance of maintaining their values and helping them recommit to living the program and the principles of the gospel of the Savior. I think most women would have no problem organizing such an event. It is simple. It is short. And it is supposed to be easy. But, we're talking about me. Nothing is easy for me. Everything takes twice as long for me to accomplish as most. So, needless to say...last night's hour long program took me more then a month of working on everyday to accomplish. I have put so much heart and time into this project, both spiritually and physically. I know, that's pathetic. When I got home, it broke my heart that I didn't even get one picture taken the entire night.
I spent the entire night tossing and turning. I couldn't stop thinking about the things I said and things I didn't say last night. I had big plans. I had ideas. As soon as I stand up to speak and see people actually looking at me, all plans cease to exist. I find myself mortified at what I've actually said. I can't even seem to put together a coherent line of speech. Public speaking is not my gift. I literally gave myself an anxiety attack replaying all the things I said last night. It would be so much simpler if I could just blog what I want to say.
There I feel much better already.
What I want to say, and what I would say them and to the two special young ladies that I have been working with over the last month, is how much I love them. How they have a piece of my heart with them...forever. How I've invested so much of my time and thoughts over their welfare and that of all the girls in Young Women's. How I worry for them. How I marvel at them. How I admire them and appreciate them. How I wish they knew or could fathom how much they are loved. How I know the Lord knows them by name and counts them as His. How I wish I could make it all better. How I wish they could see themselves 10 years down the road and get the big picture perspective. How proud I am of them. How while I wish I had a photograph of them last night, their impression on my heart will never fade.
There I go, giving my heart away.