It hit me last night as I was sinking into bed.
We're moving. To St. George, Utah. Did I just say that? I'm trying to wrap my brain around it too.
We've lived here 10 1/2 years now and the longer we lived here the longer I thought I'd be here. I...We never intended to be here this long. Kansas City was the "two year" plan. It was beginning to seem possible that I would see my children married here and that we'd be traveling grandparents with 816 as our home base.
My heart is always in the west but my Spirit is here.
This morning I am sick about it. I'm sad. I'm angry. And not a darn person can help me but God. Only He can direct our future now. Only He can make the things happen that need to happen. I know He can and will provide many hands to help but in the end, it's all up to Him. There are so many unknowns and insecurities with this move. I love change, but not the great unknown. I am the girl who pre-unwrapped every Christmas present under the tree and re-wrapped them without anyone knowing because I hated not knowing. I don't like surprises. This isn't the most desirable way to move.
And how can I leave my family here? All my genetic relatives are in the west. And so for 10 years the only family I've had day to day is the New Mark Ward. From the very first plate of cheese fries in January of 2000 to the bag of goodies brought to my door on Monday night. I've never felt more loved anywhere I've ever lived. And that is saying a lot since I've tried out just about every state in the west. I've embraced this Kansas City life and have no regrets, however, here will forever be a void that cannot be filled.
How can I explain to those I will meet and grow to love that this is where it's at? Truth be told, this area is really where it's at. I will be forever grateful to be able to say, "I lived there." Someday the rest of the world will see, this is really the place to be.
How can I leave when the building of the long awaited temple has finally commenced. I still believe I was meant to be the Temple Chaser, for whatever reason. I will never forget that bolt of electricity that shot through me when the Kansas City Temple was announced. I will still be involved in any way possible and will look forward to the day when I can rejoice in it's completion with the rest of my Kansas City family.
I have been numb until last night and now my emotions come and go in waves. I do not doubt that the outcome of all this chaos will be the desire that we seek. I do however, believe it could be a rough road in getting there. Life has taken me by surprise and left me pretty uncomfortable. I wish I could pre-unwrap this gift and see what the future will hold.
Faith is not pre-unwrapping.
Words cannot describe the loss I already feel and I know that it will only deepen in the coming weeks. If I can't and don't tell you all good-bye, please know that you will all be going with me and I'm not very capable of saying good-byes. I'd rather just leave thinking I'm on an extended vacation and will see you again soon.
And we have facebook and email right? It's all good.
Back to wrapping.