Judgment Day

I keep hearing "you're judging me" or "don't judge me" lately...like it's kind of a popular phrase now. It makes me cringe. It's almost always prefaced with a snide comment or a justification for bad behavior or decisions.

But of course...we won't judge.

I've been feeling a little of that lately. I feel judged. Judgement over everything from what I choose to do with my free time, to what I spend my money on, to how I raise my kids to how I decorate my home, why I don't have more kids or to how I run my calling....

It's the first time in my entire life that I feel this way. I've generally gone along not caring so much about other's opinions. There have been a few exceptions but for the most part....those are rare.

I've always tried to be a believer that we choose to be offended but it seems that my resolve is waining. It has been months since I last went to bed without feeling hurt.

The last thing I said to my daughter before she went to bed last night elicited a roll of the eyes and a "whatever" as she walked out of my room. That was the last thing I saw as I fell asleep. I was angry, hurt and more tired then ever.

When I woke up, I had a new outlook and perspective on the other side of the judgement scales. Sometimes it takes a rough night to change your perception of reality.

I have spent the last 4 years, in particular, worrying and fretting over every single move my children make. Oh, this means she doesn't have a testimony. Or...people are going to think she is a bad girl. Or...she is making terrible choices that will ruin her entire life.

It's been a rough few years.

I've been tearing apart every decision my kids have made and not any of that negativity has done a bit of good for my relationship with them. Not only that, I have been tearing them down in front of other people...as if to say...their decisions are not a reflection on me and 'don't judge me' for their bad choices.

It's sick.

Of course, their decisions aren't a reflection on me. Of course, they have agency. Of course, I love them no matter what.

But....I really have been saying, 'don't judge me'. That's what hit me at 6:00 am. I HAVE allowed myself to be concerned about what people are thinking of the choices my kids make. I HAVE allowed myself to believe that their decisions are a reflection on me.

I could have done more of this....

I should have....

Don't I already beat myself up enough about how things might have gone? How I could have been better at so many things?

At some point, that has got to be let go of. And while it didn't all go away in a blink of an eye...I turned a corner in this new process of self-judgement.

I look at parents of wayward children completely different.

I will never judge children by outward appearance and the perception of how perfect a family may look from the outside.

I also know that those who have negative opinions or judge teenagers and parents of teens generally haven't raised one yet.

Parents get tired.

It's a tired that can't be compared with lack of sleep.

I feel for parents.

And none of this even includes mental illness, of which is running rampant.

My kids aren't perfect, but they are mine. No matter what, I should be their biggest defenders and supporters...I am not their judge, nor is anyone else. There is really only one judge in the end. And He knows their heart and sees past their immaturity, bad choices, inherited unavoidable characteristics, and their bad taste in clothes.

If I'm feeling judged, it's because maybe I'm being too judgmental myself and maybe even...I am worrying too much about the opinions of others. Something I vowed I would never do. I've come to decide...if I'm offended or I'm feeling judged it's because maybe I really am doing something that I'm not feeling too proud of.

Who cares what people say? Who cares what people think? All that matters is what I think...and what my God thinks. But, if I am judging someone myself, then shame on me.

So today was a judgment day....my judgment day.

And then the daughter comes home and says she's hit another car with her car.

If you see a plume of smoke coming from this area of town...don't judge me. Don't tell me I'm naive. Don't tell me I shouldn't have done this or that. Don't say unkind things about my kid.

Just know that I'm even more tired.

Where Art Thou Google?

Apparently my dependency on Google is showing...

Dear Google,

Where were you this morning? We have a daily meeting at 6:30 am...remember? You are not allowed to take a server break while I am browsing the blogs. Don't you know I need you? Don't you know I can't function without you? How will I be able to comment on blogs that have made my day? How else can I find answers to my life's most meaningful questions such as "How are Peeps made?"

Because you missed our little meeting on my hearth room couch, my schedule is wonky. I guess I will have to check in with you later. Please, do not slam the blogger room door on your way out.

With regrets,

PS....and maybe since you've had a nice break and are rested up from my demands...could you get to fixing my comment box mishap?

The Present

I heard a quote this morning...on a work out video.

I'd never heard it before but maybe it's because I never needed it before as much as I did today...

The past is history.

The future is a mystery.

Life is a gift.

Enjoy the present.

That is my lifeline for today. I know that life is a gift...a present and I need to be present.

Have you ever typed or written a word a few times and all of a sudden you don't remember how to spell it? And you look at it and the word almost seems foreign to you? Like you've never seen it before?

That's happening to me right now...present.

Random much? Getting back to the present (there we go again...such a strange word), I need to go live.

Alive

In anticipation of the hopes that my sister will come next week with her young daughters, I have decided to spend a small portion of this incredibly beautiful day putting out Easter decorations.

I almost didn't do it this year.

I think I was feeling like my girls were a little too old for the amount of work it took to set up and take down. Oh, the drudgery. Not to mention...my Easter decorations are very old fashioned and not very 'stylish'. With the exception of a few cool eggs I've had for awhile now, most of my Easter decorations are gifts from loved ones to my children when they were babies. But for the nieces...it was worth it. I have set out every last crocheted bunny, Avon egg dish and plastic doo-hickey I have. And it feels good. I feel like I've finally turned into my Mom...a grandma. These decorations are for the kids and it makes me feel good to think that the kids actually enjoy them.

I've been thinking about beautiful days too and the difference in how I feel compared to the grey rainy days. I feel alive.

I felt very much alive while we were in Idaho. I couldn't get enough of the light and open expanse and air. In a rare moment, I allowed Kris to take my picture with my camera while we were there and I'm so glad I did. I look back at this photo and just think about feeling alive. It may not be my favorite picture of me but it rejuvenates me.

As I was putting up the Easter decorations and feeling alive....I thought of another reason why I'm loving this feeling I have. I recognized and actually felt the knowledge that I know my Savior lives. He is very much alive. Is it any wonder that His Resurrection would take in the spring...a season of aliveness? Is aliveness a word? The process and emotion of feeling alive. It's no coincidence that I feel this way. That is what Easter and Spring are all about.

Let me tell you, it's great to be alive.

And that, is the lifeline I'll hold on to for today.

Be ALIVE.

A Coconut Cake Walk

I made a video of my "cake walk" today....

A coconut cake for Relief Society tonight.

I forgot a step....but you'll never know...it'll still be yummy.

It looks like a carnival...but never mind...it'll still be yummy.

And if I wasn't so dyslexic, I could have made the video and cake in half the time.

And I only took two licks from what was left in the bowl.

I've been known to eat half a batch of icing.

There are very few things in this life that I can cook well...this is one of them.

Enjoy the lovely bunch of coconuts cake walk.

Signs of Spring or just a Control Freak?

There aren't a lot of things in my control these days but I feel the urge to clean house...I mean throw it all away. It must be a control thing.

And it's a Spring thing. Even though there are still a few piles of snow outside, the warmer temps have definitely got me motivated to do....something...something I can control. I'm afraid I wasn't in control when I ate fish tacos last night. :)

Here's a way to spring into spring....with a survey!

1. Favorite thing about Spring: sleeping with the windows open, the sound of lawn mowers, baby animals, putting away the snow boots.

2. What I'm doing for Spring Break: already did that....went to Idaho and Utah to visit college campuses.

3. Favorite Spring flower: I love lilacs and peonies in the spring.

4. Do you have a garden? Not since I lived in this house...about 5 years now. I don't count tomato plants in the flower beds as a garden.

5. Do you Spring clean? More like spring purge! If I had a dumpster out in my driveway today, I'm sure I could fill it.

6. What is the weather like now? Do you have a picture? Today it is grey and sprinkling out side but not unbearably cold. I went outside to see if I could get a glimpse that there is proof of spring. My trees are still full of dead leaves...no buds. There are still patches of snow on the ground here and there. Where the snow has melted, there is trash left behind. But you can see that my yard is starting to green up....better then my neighbors actually. But the only sign of spring I could find was on my front door....which is more like a sign of me trying to control Spring!

7. What is your favorite thing to do on a sunny day? Take Lola for a walk. Grind my wheat on the back porch. Read a book in the sun.

8. Favorite tv show: Not sure how this is a Spring question but since the new season premiers in the Spring...I may as well say it....Glee!

Maybe Spring is all about control because often we feel like it's a fresh start. It's an opportunity to clean house so-to-speak. Maybe I'm not a control freak after all. Maybe the symbolism of Spring is catching to everyone and maybe it's just been a really long winter.

Either way...bring it on!

Public Service Announement

I interrupt my normal blogging for this important public service announcement.

I love blogging.

So, when I found out this gal was writing a thesis about blogging and she wanted input....I said "sign me up". It took about 10 minutes.

If you love blogging too and have 10 minutes to spare, oh and did I mention...if you would like a chance at winning $100 gift certificate, then go here.

You may resume your normal blogging routines now.

Living in Limbo

Sometimes I just like saying I'm living LaVida Loca...but right now....it's all about being in limbo.

There are times and seasons in my life, looking back, when I've done this limbo thing before. I distinctly remember it feeling that way during the long months when Hunter never slept through the night and I walked around in a fog for several years. It felt like I would never see the sun again.

I've seen the sun a few times since then and I've survived.

Here's where I'm at now.

No where. That's not livin' LaVida Loca.

This is where I was physically...yesterday, in the middle of Nebraska. And this is where I'm at emotionally today.

Living in limbo feels like you're neither here nor there. It really is a bit disjointing. You don't know where you belong, what you want or should want, what you need, what will happen, what should happen.

I asked Boyd last night if he was glad to be home. He is. And really, so am I. I just feel like I don't know where that is. Does that make sense? No worries...KC is definitely our residence for the time being. I just wish that I felt it in my bones. Boyd thinks it's because he will be back to traveling and that he still doesn't have his own income coming in. That could be it. I just don't know what this nagging feeling is in the pit of my stomach. Can't shake it. It's like having my heart and brain living on two different continents. Limbo.

Problem is: I'm not very limber any more. Flexibility is almost all gone.

Looks like I'm gonna have to work on flexibility more. Reminds me of the song: More Holiness Give Me, More Strength to ore'come.

What if I don't want to be patient? What if I don't want to do all the work I know I need to do? Did I just say that out loud? Reminds me of Sue's journal entries on Glee. Journal, could it be my teenage daughters are rubbing off on me? 40+ hours in a car together in one week can do that to you.

Here's what I'm clinging to today. I'm going on the assumption that the atonement covers my inflexibility and living in limbo. Yep. That's my lifeline. Something that is so simple to others may just be my cross today. But since He has already borne that cross for me, I don't need to.

I can be limber.

I can be limber.

I can be limber.......

Heaven on Earth

It was such a privilege to be able to take Rachel to Idaho and Utah for her first time. It is awesome to see those places through the eyes of someone who has never been before. I enjoyed seeing Chloe and wish I lived closer so I could see her everyday. I don't know if it ever gets easier...being so far away.

Favorites:

Rachel...BYU-I and being in Utah.

Hunter...BYU play/Bloody Wedding and BYU Mens Chorus.

Bridger...shopping.

me...being together and having a break.

There's nothing like being at your favorite places on earth with those you love. It's heaven.

Celestial Cupcakes

I'm pretty sure I've had the best cupcakes in or out of this world.
Go here

With flavors like:
Grasshopper
Better than Anything
Hostess with the Mostess
Madagascar Vanilla
Coconut Lime
Death by Chocolate
Red Velvet
Mexican Chocolate
Party in my Mouth
Ultimate Brownie
Oreo
and more...

All diets are off limits...I've tried more then half of these listed and I intend to try the rest.






I'm pretty sure these are what cupcakes will be like in heaven. That's why I think they should be called Celestial...
They also serve amazing chocolate and lemonade drinks. Cocoa Bean, I love you.

Campus life

Isn't it just like a college campus to have an old couch sitting in the Smith Quad?
Looks like we needed a break.

Picture Perfect

A trip to Ashton must include a stop at Jackson Hole. Home of the "rich" Cowboys.

This is the view from the back deck of the house we're staying at. Not pictured are the Grand Tetons in the east.


It's not hard to get a perfect picture when your surroundings are so inspiring. How would it be to live like this all the time? Pretty tempting.

Feeling Grateful

Having arrived at our first destination safely after two days of driving, I can honestly say I am so grateful.

Snow capped Grand Tetons

spectacular Idaho sunsets (I've really missed those)

sparkling clean rivers

a cozy, well performing vehicle

cold medicine

art of crochet tutorials on you tube providing me with 18 hours of entertainment

bottled water

puff's tissue with lotion

blue skies, puffy clouds, mammoth mountains

a wrap around deck

sunshine

sunshine

sunshine

With a list like that, how could I not be so grateful? The only problem...I could get used to being here. I'll be sure to post pictures...when I'm done soaking it in in real life.

Christmas All Year

Last year I got an incredible hand carved nativity made in Ghana from Kiera. I have had it displayed in a little niche at the top of my stairs since she gave it to me. Every time I would come up the stairs I would see it. When Christmas was over, and all the nativities were packed away, I decided that I wanted place this particular nativity somewhere prominent in my home where I and others would see it everyday and be reminded of the birth of our Savior.

So awhile back I made a cloche for it so that it could be protected as well as become a focus piece. I bought a black candlestick on clearance at Hobby Lobby....waited until the glass cloche went on sale. I glued the candlestick to the bottom of a .99 plastic gold charger with E6000. I filled the plate with moss, set the nativity inside, covered it with the glass dome and tied a tassel to it. Voila. Focus on the Spirit of Christmas all year long.

Scent-a-mental

I had one of those scent-a-mental moments today. There are a lot of things in life that I associate with the sense of smell. Just a whiff, and I can be transported right back in my memories to when I first smelled it.

I walked by an older man in the grocery store today....and there it was....Grandpa Argyle's aftershave. I found myself standing in his downstairs bathroom, listening to him whistle as he shaved to get ready for the day.

In that moment, I missed him so much. I think I'm a lot like him. There's a lot of Argyle blood in me. I know that it partly makes me who I am today. For good or bad.

As I drove home I was so grateful that I know there is a Plan. I know I will see him again someday. All of our Argyle issues will be worked out. I'm blessed to have scent-a-mental experiences as well as other opportunities through the veil to feel my sense of ancestry and love of family. I have had a lot of quiet moments lately and I believe it's during those introspective times that we feel and witness promptings and subtle whisperings.

Miss your smell Grandpa.