And the Reason is...

I woke at the ungodly hour of 2:45 am to make the trek to Rexburg, Idaho, home of my Alma Mater to pick Hunter up from EFY (church youth camp). That was only a few short hours ago. I passed through midnight black mountain canyons silhouetted in flashes of gold lightening. I used my high beam headlights on I15, which means I rarely even saw another living soul. There was only slumbering Lola, my XM radio The Bridge station, and I. Just when I began to wonder when the sun would appear, as if on cue at 5:00 am sharp, the sky instantly turned a deep cobalt blue. As I arrived in Rexburg, the sun was cresting over the hill casting pink and orange shades over the campus and temple. A treat for good behavior, I think.

I've spent a lot of time wondering just what in the world I'm doing. Two days ago I locked the door and turned away from my beautiful home in Zion and left for the unknown. I'm sitting in a filthy car covered in bugs, Bridgers foot prints on the windshield, and Lola's dog nose juice all over the dash. Remnants and pieces of my possessions are shoved in every nook and cranny possible. I've been sleeping on hard unfamiliar beds, putting up with road construction, canine gas and top 20 music for several days now. I am beginning to wonder I'll ever feel clean again.

Have I lost my mind? What could possibly be the reason for traveling thousands of miles and leaving behind comfort and familiarity. For 4 reasons:
Boyd
Chloe
Hunter
Bridger

I hope my gall bladder holds out. I hope Lola doesn't asphyxiate us all. I hope my family in KC knows how much I'll miss them and appreciate all that they've done for me.

I hope Cocoa Bean is open because I've got a feeling that a cupcake might just make it all better.

It's another good reason for justifying the sleep deprivation and depression.

One Constant

What am I thinking?

The moving truck will be here in a few short hours and I'm blogging.

I was trying to imagine, this beautiful Missouri morning, what my new life will be like after this week in a new place. I was thinking how different it will be. And I was thinking how sad that makes me and yet there is a piece of me that is a bit excited.  Not for the move, but for discovery of what is to come.

But throughout this change I'll have One Constant.  I'm going on faith that His Will...will be done.

My other constant is this blog.  I will be connected to something that is consistent to me and that gives me great peace.  I can take it with me where I am going.

Last night Kiera and I took our girls for "it's been a rough day pedis".  They used acid and paraffin on our feet.  Heavenly.

So inspired was the trip that an angel appeared in the sky to lead the way to the salon!  How's that for divine guidance?

I know...right.  How can a pedi go wrong with this kind of apparition leading the way?

No, for real, it happened.

QT

I'm going to miss QT's.

Another QT.....the Quick Trip to Winter Quarter's, Nebraska.

We hopped aboard the Yukon express and made a mad dash for the pioneer town of Florence (Omaha) yesterday.

It was the most appropriate finish to living in Kansas City.
It began here and ended here.

We hadn't lived here even a year when we boarded a bus with our ward family and made the trek to the open house.

And then Chloe and I drove literally through tornadic weather to see the temple dedicated by President Hinckley.

I purposely soaked in every detail.

Never forget:
sculpted carpet
pewter door knobs downstairs, bronze upstairs
pineapple printed fabric
sage velvet pillows
hand painted violets on vases
grapes and vines like shadows
gold stenciled dashes
exquisite stained glass
chandeliers made of the tiniest of crystals
sepia toned images in glass
the "two best seats in the house"
stillness so dense, I can only hear my own breath.

It has been a place of refuge for me for the better part of a decade.  And yesterday it was the inspiration and comfort for a new journey and season.

I can go on in so great a cause.  

Keep Moving

I've heard it said that it's important to always stay in motion.  Moving forward.  Nose to the grindstone...

yada yada yada.

The entire metro of KC is comprised of more than 2 million people.  That number usually qualifies for "city" status right?
How come in this city I still get stuck behind tractors right behind my very own house....in a neighborhood?  That's not what I call moving....

And I wonder if I'll ever see white-tailed deer standing in my backyard again.  Just a thought.

And storms.  Talk about storms.  We had a good one tonight.  Wonder if I'll see those in St. George.  At least I won't have to worry about my sump pump not working there.  Tonight ours held on.

Lola is a bit overwhelmed.  I would be too if I just laid around all day watching people pack up my house.

We're living the law of inertia here.

Using the term "ice cream" loosely

I don't know if I would call this recipe....ice cream, but never-the-less, that is what it is called by the woman who's blog I took it from.  Her recipes NEVER let me down and ALWAYS turn out perfect.
I have made it several times and love it. It resembles a chocolate sorbet in texture.  I am not vegan but I do enjoy alternates to using normal ingredients sometimes.  I love coconut oil, an important part of this recipe and love that I can use rice milk rather then expensive creams that don't always agree with my digestive system.

As I was packing up the pantry, I figured I would make a batch of "ice cream" before I packed the ice cream maker and while I had the ingredients.

Brown Sugar Chocolate Vegan Ice Cream


Ingredients

1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup coconut oil
4 cups rice milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup cocoa powder
1/4 teaspoon salt

Directions
1. Melt the coconut oil by placing it in a glass and submersing the glass in warm water. Pour this, the sugar, and 1 cup of the rice milk into the blender and blend until the sugar dissolves, about 3 minutes.

2. Pour the remaining ingredients into the blender and blend until smooth.

3. Immediately pour mix into your ice cream maker. It will take longer than normal to freeze because you won't be chilling the mix. If the mix is placed into the refrigerator to chill, the coconut oil will float to the top and make the ice cream unpalatable. 
Before serving, leave ice cream out at room temperature for a few minutes for easier scooping.

Follow these instructions and measurements exactly and you will be pleasantly surprised.  And you might want to loosely use the term "ice cream" and make it often too.  

In Search of Peace

I have been making a concerted effort to turn myself to the Lord every day in an experiment on the word of "Being Still" for just under a month now.  While packing and preparing for a move to St. George, this hasn't always been the most convenient thing for me to devote myself to quiet time.

Rather then turn on music or the television to occupy my mind while packing, I have tried to keep my home as quiet and free from chaos as humanly possible.

I want to be available to any prompting I might be eligible to receive.  I especially need clarity of thought at this time and glimpses of peace to know of His plan for me in all of this upheaval.

It is miraculous that in the midst of such turbulence and discord, I have indeed felt that peace.  No electrical bolts of shock, no lightening and thunder, no loud and clear answers...just sweetness, clarity and peace.  Peace that can only come from one place and the gift of Being Still.

Cindy at I owe it all to Him, issued a challenge for followers to post their favorite Biblical passage. I can't say that I have an all time favorite Bible scripture as it changes with the seasons of my life.  I can, however, share a few verses that have currently made an impact in my life and have applicable meaning to my circumstances.

St. John 16:33
"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have Peace.  In the world ye shall have tribulation:  but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. "

Knowing he has overcome the world and atoned for my tribulation brings great peace.

Proverbs 3:5-7
5"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."
6"In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths."
7"Be not wise in thine own eyes:  fear the Lord, and depart from evil."


It may not be given me to know the answers to all my questions right now but I need to show more faith and trust in Him knowing that He will direct my path.

Romans 5:1-5
1"Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ."
2"By whom we also have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God."
3"And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also:  knowing that tribulation worketh patience."
4"And patience, experience; and experience, hope.:"
5"And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."


Faith in the Lord brings the gift of peace.  And through our experiences of trial and exercising of faith we learn patience and experience hope through the Spirit.  And so tribulation is a good thing that brings us growth.

And this scripture, I love.  Wherein....Peter uses the word Beloved to address the saints and those who lead the Lords' people.  I think I would love to know Peter.
1 Peter 4:12-13
12"Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you:"
13"But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy."


Inspiring.

Thank you Cindy for offering this challenge.  It was a wonderful way to help me focus on finding peace and involving my mission of Being Still.

The Backyard

I took Lola on a stroll tonight through what has been my backyard for the last 5 of the 10 years we have lived in Kansas City.  Boyd brought his clubs along.
Really, the story goes...

Boyd:  Wanna take a walk with me on the golf course while I hit a few balls? (With his sweet syrupy voice)

Me:  Right...it's 100 degrees out there and I'm busy packing.  You just don't want to feel guilty about golfing and bailing on me so you're inviting me to go right?

Boyd sulks off.

Me:  (Having a conversation with myself). Crap. I should probably lighten up and walk the course with my husband one last time and stop being an anxiety ridden you-know-what.  He did actually sell some of his junk on Craigslist today you know.

After 3 minutes of arguing with and berating myself....

Me:  Boyd...wanna go for a walk on the golf course? (With my sincere, apologetic voice)

There are pros and cons to living on a golf course, but I must say.....today the pros outweigh the cons.

It was one of the wettest evening walks I can remember.  I was soaked to the bone before I even made it past the yard. Humidity...that would be one of the cons....

Lola, who is recently diagnosed with canine bronchitis only had one couching fit the whole time.

Some people would think we're crazy for leaving this place.  What?  They don't have golf courses in St. George?  Well they do actually....a lot.  But I'm not sure I'll live right on one again.

This really has been Boyd's playground.

Can you blame him?  Well, I can but that's another story.

It sounds like a jungle outside and I'm pretty sure it's mating season for the Daddy-Long-legs...they are all over the place and all over each other.  No pictures....inappropriate blog content.

Our house actually backs up to the 15th tee.

That was my last picture of Boyd golfing here in KC.  And now we're home.

I've walked this path many times and I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that this was the last time....
I'm not gonna lie, I had this ancient song running through my mind the entire time...

Life, so they say, is but a game and we let it slip away.
Love, like the Autumn sun, should be dyin' but it's only just begun.
Like the twilight in the road up ahead, they don't see just where we're goin'.
And all the secrets in the Universe, whisper in our ears
And all the years will come and go, take us up, always up.
We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again.
We may never pass this way again.

Dreams, so they say, are for the fools and they let 'em drift away.
Peace, like the silent dove, should be flyin' but it's only just begun.
Like Columbus in the olden days, we must gather all our courage.
Sail our ships out on the open sea. Cast away our fears
And all the years will come and go, and take us up, always up.
We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again.
We may never pass this way again.

So, I wanna laugh while the laughin' is easy. I wanna cry if it makes it worthwhile.
We may never pass this way again, that's why I want it with you.
'Cause, you make me feel like I'm more than a friend. Like I'm the journey and you're the journey's end.
We may never pass this way again, that's why I want it with you, baby.

Thank you, Seals and Crofts for singing what I truly feel.
Here's a trip to another backyard I visited last night.
Val's house.
She hosted a lovely ice cream going away party (not the boo-hoo crying kind of party) for us and another family who is moving away.
Her yard is comforting and cozy....quite the contrast to mine.

May we all meet in the Backyard again, until then.....God be with you.

Irony

I found this painted rock in a box that I discovered while packing yesterday.

It was with memorabilia that I had saved and hadn't touched since I was a teen.

This rock...that says....I will not carry you, I've carried for more then 25 years.

We all have stones and rocks in life that we carry around with us.  Maybe it is pain or maybe we've been offended. Perhaps we carry a burden of debt or the weight of responsibility. Some of us carry more rocks then others.  And some of us choose to not carry that weight and leave it behind.

With a move on the horizon, I have the opportunity for a fresh start....a chance to leave behind the burdensome rocks. This metaphor can be applied in so many ways.

I think I'll carry this rock around with me a little bit longer.  Obviously, I need the reminder.

Unwrapping

It hit me last night as I was sinking into bed.

We're moving.

What?

We're moving. To St. George, Utah. Did I just say that? I'm trying to wrap my brain around it too.

We've lived here 10 1/2 years now and the longer we lived here the longer I thought I'd be here. I...We never intended to be here this long. Kansas City was the "two year" plan. It was beginning to seem possible that I would see my children married here and that we'd be traveling grandparents with 816 as our home base. 

My heart is always in the west but my Spirit is here.

This morning I am sick about it. I'm sad. I'm angry. And not a darn person can help me but God. Only He can direct our future now. Only He can make the things happen that need to happen. I know He can and will provide many hands to help but in the end, it's all up to Him. There are so many unknowns and insecurities with this move. I love change, but not the great unknown. I am the girl who pre-unwrapped every Christmas present under the tree and re-wrapped them without anyone knowing because I hated not knowing. I don't like surprises. This isn't the most desirable way to move.

And how can I leave my family here? All my genetic relatives are in the west. And so for 10 years the only family I've had day to day is the New Mark Ward. From the very first plate of cheese fries in January of 2000 to the bag of goodies brought to my door on Monday night. I've never felt more loved anywhere I've ever lived. And that is saying a lot since I've tried out just about every state in the west. I've embraced this Kansas City life and have no regrets, however, here will forever be a void that cannot be filled.

How can I explain to those I will meet and grow to love that this is where it's at? Truth be told, this area is really where it's at. I will be forever grateful to be able to say, "I lived there." Someday the rest of the world will see, this is really the place to be. 

How can I leave when the building of the long awaited temple has finally commenced. I still believe I was meant to be the Temple Chaser, for whatever reason. I will never forget that bolt of electricity that shot through me when the Kansas City Temple was announced. I will still be involved in any way possible and will look forward to the day when I can rejoice in it's completion with the rest of my Kansas City family.

I have been numb until last night and now my emotions come and go in waves. I do not doubt that the outcome of all this chaos will be the desire that we seek. I do however, believe it could be a rough road in getting there. Life has taken me by surprise and left me pretty uncomfortable. I wish I could pre-unwrap this gift and see what the future will hold. 

Faith is not pre-unwrapping. 

Words cannot describe the loss I already feel and I know that it will only deepen in the coming weeks. If I can't and don't tell you all good-bye, please know that you will all be going with me and I'm not very capable of saying good-byes. I'd rather just leave thinking I'm on an extended vacation and will see you again soon. 

And we have facebook and email right? It's all good.

Back to wrapping.

Across the Wide Missouri

On saturday, I guess that would be yesterday, I came home from Youth Conference and went to bed at 2:30 in the afternoon.  I didn't wake up until 7:00 this morning.  After the week I had, I needed every bit of those 16 1/2 hours of sleep. It started with St. George, Utah and finished in Kansas.

Early thursday morning found me on the west side of the Missouri River in Fort Leavenworth...a military base so beautiful, it is the envy of every town in Kansas.

I was there with a group of 150 youth, as a leader, for an uplifting spiritual retreat or conference.  We spent some time serving the community, taking workshop courses and of course playing.  I did duck out a couple of times to explore the base and be inspired by the beauty and history of the area.

Fort Leavenworth is the oldest active army west of the Mississippi and has been in operation since 1827. For Kansas....that's very old.  It is absolutely charming, patriotic, and quaint....one of the last places in America of it's kind...a treat to experience.

I also met some great kids.  While exhausting, these kind of retreats restore my faith in the youth of this generation.  I tend to be jaded when it comes to the young adults of today. But to pull them from the world we live in for a short time is to see them for the potential they have and to admire their strength and conviction.  Even if it's only for 48 hours.

 It's beautiful across the wide Missouri...of course Shenandoah knows that.